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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.