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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”