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I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.