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If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun