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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
You make me want to be a drunker person
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.