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There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!