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I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
What about a To-Don`t List?
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?