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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you