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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Walmart needs observation decks.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
awesome collection!