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I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."