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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!