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Iām trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.