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Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?