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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session