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Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?