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I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.