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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
My pants are 75% off.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.