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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.