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7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.