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You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."