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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.