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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.