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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I like it like that
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?