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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.