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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
TEIAM - problem solved
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
I never finish anyth...............
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.