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If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe