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Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?