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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.