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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.