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You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Marriage tip: Don`t
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.