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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?