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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
I wish I had a friend like me
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes