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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of