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I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.