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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.