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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
My IQ? ... With google or without?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.