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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.