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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.