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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"