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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.