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To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…