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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.