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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.