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I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.