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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.