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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?