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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener