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Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...