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Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…