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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
facebooked yo mama!!!
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?