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You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.