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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.