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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
word of the day: nincomtard
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.