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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned