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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
Take me seriously at your own risk.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.