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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.