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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.