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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.