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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!