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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."