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You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment