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The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.