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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"