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Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.