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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species