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I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.