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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.