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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar