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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.