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Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.