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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
The secret to success is in my bra.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!