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Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.