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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
How long does it take to get obsessed?