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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY