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You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.