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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.